A Feminist Wedding By Laura A. Munteanu

I was brought up in a patriarchal society of a somewhat medieval flavour. By a medieval flavour I mean women have three basic roles: wife, whore and hag. The wife bears the children, cooks, cleans. The whore provides entertainment sex for money, and the hag distributes gossip. I didn't fancy any of these basic roles, and after the man I'd hoped would become my prince, rejected me on national television I chose instead to seek my future by exercising my brain rather than my romantic expectations. Having lived in a foreign culture for 7 years and having learnt how to become a Feminist I note that, whilst variant in minor details the patrimonial myth of marriage is just as prevalent, as it was in Romania. And yet, in both cultures the divorce rate is spiralling, despite the continual rush of new volunteers, hoping that their partnership would be one that lasts. I should state that my bitter experience leads me to regard the notion of marriage, as nothing more than a patriarchal submission of deference, and as an opportunity for a capitalist orgy of excess. Whatever partnerships I currently have or intend to, neither of these traditions fill my heart with a pattering beat. I could see the sense of closer, legally binding associations for joint investments, such as property ownership or children, but neither of those figure highly in my personal agenda at the moment. So what follows is more about partnerships and making relationships work. But simply put, my partner knows how lucky he is to have me. And I know how lucky I am to have him, and I don't really give a shit what the rest of the world thinks.  

This piece had two parents. One being a list of the top 10 reasons why marriages fail and the other being a top 10 list of ways in which to make your wedding consistent with your political views on gender equality. So, here's my list of 10 ways to survive a partnership, as a Feminist.

1. Make sure that your intended partner is interesting to you. And that you can continue to be interesting to them. That doesn't mean that you have to be from the same class, ethnicity, culture, gender persuasion, political alignment, religion. It just means that you both have something to say and the desire to listen to what the other is saying most of the time.

2. Marriage and long term partnership's tradition was founded on the necessity of ensuring that the child that sprouts from the union was indeed a product of the union. It dates from a period before DNA testing. Yet the third, most common reason why marriages fail is sexual infidelity and sexual boredom. Most people would agree that sex, like any other physical activity is something that can be developed in different, contextual circumstances. And it is probably not a realistic expectation, given the high incidents of infidelity that monogamous partnerships are necessarily going to sustain the individual for periods of 30 to 40 years. Perhaps a greater emphasis on communication, honesty and openness would allow couples to deal with the necessity of infidelity, maybe even welcoming it as a structure opportunity to renew their commitments. Or adding new elements to their repertoire to stave off boredom and ennui.  

3. It's not a realistic expectation to expect the family of one side of the partnership to pay for the celebration. Wouldn't it be better for the bride and groom to pay for the celebration and then accept gifts from the guests, who wish to celebrate their union?

4. With regard to financial management, I would recommend the following:
   - a joint account to share costs, contributions deposited from a proportional share of individual income.
  - when the total bill cost is calculated, prior to setting up the standing orders I recommend that both partners increase their proportional contributions by 10%, so the account is always in surplus.
  - both partners retain private accounts, which is theirs to dispose of.
  - if finances are healthy, a similar approach to a saving account would also be recommended. This system assumes both partners work.

5. Changing names is a personal choice. I wouldn't mind adding a partner's name to my own, but I wouldn't want to give up my own. However, the adoption of new marital names, for both partners could be considered advantageous in the event of one or both partners owing considerable amounts of money, prior to their marriage. A name change and exercising google's right to be forgotten offers the opportunity of a fresh start.

6. It is not essential, if care is taken to even have a long term partnership. It is possible to have a satisfying existence, as a single person, possibly even going to the extent of formally marrying yourself and having a ceremony of celebrating the fact that you're never going to be married. Though, in these circumstances is probably an option, only recommended for people with over 2000 friends on their Facebook list, of whom 1800 are known as friends.

7. One of the great reasons for having long term partnerships is the ability to share costs for the expensive items of life like cars, houses, and promiscuous foreign travel. However, the exorbitant cost of property at the moment, particularly in the UK is difficult, even with a wealthy partner. Given that financial insecurity is one of the major reasons for marriages failing, it is not recommended a sufficient reason to form partnership. Foreign travel or purchasing transport does seem like a good reason. However, if this is the reason for the association, why restrict yourself to one partner?

8. Having children is a good reason to form stable committed partnerships, in that children respond better and develop faster with participative, nurturing parenting. However, recent studies would suggest that genetic variance makes a positive contribution to humanity's bio-diversity. So possibly, we should consider one child per partner. A model which does appear to be the norm in the UK. Nobody plans to have multiple partnerships with children, but providing both parents remain active as parents, this need not be problematic. Thousands of people form effective family units with multiple partners, step partners, children and step children. And whilst this makes the genealogists' job a little bit harder, these partnerships can work.

9. It's easy to snipe and be critical and it's harder to be generous and supportive. A good step towards the harder path is learning to listen and realising when somebody wants to tell you their shit that that's the most important thing on their mind at that moment. And being there for them whilst they spill is the important thing. Good communication is about openness, honesty and being able to listen effectively.

10. The only final advice I could offer to successful partnerships is to recognise when your expectations are realistic. In my native country unrealistic expectations are the glue that bonds ill-suited partners together, in relationships of frightening misery. When your partner suggests enthusiastically he wants to blow this year's holiday budget to go and watch Formula 1 at Silverstone and there isn't enough in the kitty to pay for a ticket for you as well, it's unlikely that next year he would be happy for you to fly to Rio for the carnival. It's important to look into the eyes of your partner and to have realistic expectations of what is possible. When you first meet an individual the gulf between the expectations and the reality that you encounter can be great. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Because you don't really know that person. If however, you've shared a room and a bank account with someone for 7 years their ability to surprise you for better or worse should be fairly minimal, if you've been listening to them. And if you've been with someone for 7 years the correct thing to do is not to nag them that they are not a youthful, muscular, romantic prince or a princess with an ideal shape and qualities, but rather to encourage them to go for that promotion at work or help them plan a response to their bullying supervisor or go to dry the pots when they are washing up, rather than watching your favourite tv show. Often, it's about making the other person feel that, as well being a wonderful individual in themselves that being with you adds value to both your lives. And that's it. That's all it is. And who pays for the flowers or the cake is irrelevant, when you're both capable of growing or baking your own.

You'll notice, that in my description of my feminist wedding I haven't talked about anything that has to do with ceremonials. All I would say to you is ask your partner what they want. That's your starting point and that's the only rule that matters.