O Nunta Feminista De Laura A. Munteanu

Am crescut intr-o societate patriarhala de un gust oarecum medieval. Prin gust medieval ma refer la faptul ca femeile au trei roluri fundamentale: sotie, curva si babornita. Sotia poarta copiii, gateste, face curatenie. Curva asigura sex distractiv pentru bani si babornita distribuie barfa. Nu mi-au placut nici unul dintre aceste roluri fundamentale si dupa ce barbatul ce speram ca va deveni printul meu, m-a respins la televiziunea nationala am ales in schimb sa-mi caut viitorul mai degraba prin a-mi exersa creierul decat prin asteptarile mele romantice. Traind intr-o cultura straina timp de 7 ani si invatand cum sa devin o Feminista precizez ca, desi variat in detalii minore, mitul patrimonial al casatoriei este la fel de preponderent cum era in Romania. Si totusi, in ambele culturi rata divortului sporeste, in ciuda grabei continue a noilor voluntari, ce spera ca parteneriatul lor va fi cel ce va dura. Trebuie sa precizez ca experienta mea amara ma indreapta sa consider notiunea de casatorie, ca nimic mai mult decat o supunere patriarhala de respect si ca o oportunitate pentru o orgie capitalista de exces. Indiferent de ce parteneriate am actual sau intentionez sa am, niciuna dintre aceste traditii nu imi umplu inima cu o bataie rapaita. Inteleg rostul unor asociatii mai apropiate din punct de vedere juridic pentru investitii in comun, cum ar fi detinerea de proprietate sau copii, dar nici una dintre acestea nu figureaza indeosebi in agenda mea momentan. Asadar, ce urmeaza este mai mult despre parteneriate si a face relatiile sa functioneze. Dar pe scurt, partenerul meu stie cat de norocos este sa ma aiba. Si eu stiu cat de norocoasa sunt sa-l am si nu dau un cacat pe ce crede restul lumii.

Aceasta lucrare a avut doi parinti. Una fiind o lista cu cele 10 motive de ce casatoriile esueaza si cealalta fiind o lista cu 10 feluri in care sa-ti faci nunta sa se potriveasca cu perspectivele tale politice in egalitatea de gen. Deci, aceasta este lista mea cu cele 10 feluri de a supravietui un parteneriat, ca o Feminista/Feminist.

1. Asigura-te ca partenerul tau intentionat este interesant pentru tine. Si ca poti continua sa fi interesant/a pentru ei. Asta nu inseamna ca trebuie sa fiti amandoi din aceeasi clasa, etnie, cultura, sex, aliniere politica, religie. Inseamna doar ca amandoi aveti ceva de spus si dorinta de a asculta ce spune celalalt majoritatea timpului.

2. Casatoria si traditia parteneriatului pe termen lung a fost infiintata pe necesitatea de a asigura ca plodul ce rezulta din uniune a fost intr-adevar un produs al uniunii. Dateaza dintr-o perioada inaintea testelor ADN. Si totusi, al treilea cel mai comun motiv de ce casatoriile esueaza este infidelitatea si plictiseala sexuala. Multi oameni ar fi de acord ca sexul, ca orice alta activitate sexuala este ceva ce poate fi dezvoltat in circumstante contextuale diferite. Si probabil ca nu este o asteptare realistica, avand in vedere incidentele mari de infidelitate ce parteneriatele monogame vor trebui sa suporte individul pentru perioade de 30-40 de ani. Poate ca o accentuare mai mare pe comunicare, sinceritate si deschidere va permite cuplurilor sa se confrunte cu necesitatea infidelitatii, poate chiar a o primi ca o oportunitate de structura sa-si reinnoiasca angajamentele. Sau sa-si adauge noi elemente sa alunge plictiseala si uratul.

3. Nu este o asteptare realistica sa astepti ca familia unei parti de parteneriat sa plateasca pentru sarbatorire. Nu ar fi mai bine ca mirele si mireasa sa plateasca pentru sarbatorire si apoi sa accepte daruri de la invitati, ce doresc sa sarbatoreasca uniunea lor?

4. Cu privire la administrarea financiara as recomanda urmatoarele:
    - un cont comun pentru impartit de costuri, contributii depozitate dintr-o parte proportionala a venitului individual.
   - cand costul total al facturii este calculat, inaintea infiintarii ordinului de plata, recomand ca amandoi partenerii sa detina conturi private, ce le apartine de care sa se foloseasca.
   - daca finantele sunt sanatoase, o abordare asemanatoare a unui cont de economisiri este recomandat. Acest sistem presupune ca amandoi partenerii lucreaza.

5. Schimbarea numelui este o alegere personala. Nu m-ar deranja sa adaug numele unui partener numelui meu, dar nu as vrea sa renunt la al meu. Orisicum, adoptarea a noi nume maritale, pentru amandoi partenerii poate fi considerata un avantaj in cazul in care unul sau amandoi partenerii datoreaza sume considerabile de bani, dinaintea casatoriei lor. O schimbare de nume si exercitarea dreptului lui google de a fi uitat ofera oportunitatea unui inceput nou.

6. Nu este esential, cu grija chiar sa ai un parteneriat pe termen lung. Este posibil sa ai o existenta satisfacatoare, ca o persoana singura, posibil chiar a merge in punctul de a te casatori oficial cu tine si de a avea o ceremonie de a sarbatori faptul ca nu te vei casatori niciodata. Desi, in aceste circumstante este probabil o optiune, recomandata doar pentru oameni cu peste 2000 de prieteni pe lista lor de Facebook, dintre care 1800 sunt cunoscuti ca prieteni.

7. Unul dintre motivele mari pentru a avea parteneriate pe termen lung este abilitatea de a impartasi costuri pentru obiectele scumpe ale vietii, cum ar fi masina, case si calatorii promiscue in strainatate. Totodata, costul exorbitant al proprietatii momentan, mai ales in UK este dificil, chiar si cu un partener bogat. Avand in vedere ca nesiguranta financiara este unul dintre motivele majore pentru mariaje esuate, nu este recomandat un motiv suficient pentru a forma un parteneriat. Calatoritul in strainatate sau achizitionarea de mijloace de transport se pare ca este un motiv destul de bun. Si totusi, daca acesta este motivul pentru asociere, de ce sa te restrangi la un singur partener?

8. A avea copii este un motiv bun de a forma parteneriate cu angajamente stabile, in sensul ca, copiii raspund mai bine si se dezvolta mai bine cu parinti participatori, cultivatori. Totodata, studii recente sugereaza ca variatia genetica are o contributie pozitiva pentru bio-diversitatea omenirii. Deci posibil, ar trebui sa consideram cate un copil per partener. Un exemplu ce pare sa fie norma in UK. Nimeni nu planuieste sa aiba parteneriate multiple cu copii, dar tinand cont ca ambii parinti raman activi ca parinti, nu ar fi problematic. Mii de oameni formeaza unitati familiare efective cu parteneri multiplii, parteneri vitregi, copii si copii vitregi. Si desi asta face munca genealogistilor un pic mai grea, aceste parteneriate pot functiona.

9. Este usor sa-ti versi nervii si sa critici si este mai greu sa fi generos si sprijinitor. Un pas bun catre drumul mai greu este a invata sa asculti si sa realizezi cand cineva vrea sa-ti spuna cacatul lor ca acela este cel mai important lucru in mintea lor in acel moment. Si a fi acolo pentru ei in timp ce se descarca este lucrul important. O comunicare buna este despre deschidere, sinceritate si a fi capabil sa asculti efectiv.

10. Singurul sfat final ce-l pot oferi parteneriatelor de succes este sa recunoasca cand asteptarile lor sunt realistice. In tara mea nativa asteptarile nerealistice sunt lipiciul ce uneste parteneri nepotriviti impreuna, in relatii de nefericire inspaimantatoare. Cand partenerul tau sugereaza entuziast ca vrea sa sparga bugetul vacantei acestui an sa mearga sa vada Formula 1 la Silverstone si nu sunt suficienti bani in pusculita sa cumpere un bilet si pentru tine, este improbabil ca anul viitor i-ar face placere sa zboare cu tine la Rio la carnaval. Este important sa te uiti in ochii partenerului tau si sa ai asteptari realistice de ce este posibil. Cand intalnesti o persoana pentru prima oara, golful dintre asteptarile si realitatea pe care o intampini poate fi grozav. Cateodata pentru mai bine, cateodata pentru mai rau. Pentru ca nu cunosti cu adevarat acea persoana. Daca totusi, ai impartasit o camera si un cont in banca cu cineva timp de 7 ani abilitatea lor sa te surprinda mai bine sau mai rau este relativ minimala, daca i-ai ascultat cu atentie. Si daca ai fost cu cineva timp de 7 ani lucrul corect de facut nu este sa-i cicalesti ca nu sunt un print tanar, musculos si romantic sau o printesa cu forme si calitati ideale, ci mai degraba sa-i incurajezi sa accepte promovarea aceea la servici sau sa-i ajuti sa planuiasca un raspuns pentru sefii lor hartuitori sau sa te duci sa usuci vasele cand ei le spala, in loc sa te uiti la programul tau tv preferat. Des, este despre a face cealalta persoana sa simta ca, fiind o persoana minunata in sine, de asemenea fiind cu tine adauga valoare ambelor voastre vieti. Si asta este totul. Si cine plateste pentru flori sau tort este irelevant, cand amandoi sunteti capabili de a creste sau sa va coaceti singuri.

Observati ca in descrierea nuntei mele feministe nu am vorbit despre nimic legat de ceremonii. Tot ce v-as spune este intrebati-va partenerii ce vor. Acesta este punctul de inceput si aceasta este singura regula ce conteaza.

A Feminist Wedding By Laura A. Munteanu

I was brought up in a patriarchal society of a somewhat medieval flavour. By a medieval flavour I mean women have three basic roles: wife, whore and hag. The wife bears the children, cooks, cleans. The whore provides entertainment sex for money, and the hag distributes gossip. I didn't fancy any of these basic roles, and after the man I'd hoped would become my prince, rejected me on national television I chose instead to seek my future by exercising my brain rather than my romantic expectations. Having lived in a foreign culture for 7 years and having learnt how to become a Feminist I note that, whilst variant in minor details the patrimonial myth of marriage is just as prevalent, as it was in Romania. And yet, in both cultures the divorce rate is spiralling, despite the continual rush of new volunteers, hoping that their partnership would be one that lasts. I should state that my bitter experience leads me to regard the notion of marriage, as nothing more than a patriarchal submission of deference, and as an opportunity for a capitalist orgy of excess. Whatever partnerships I currently have or intend to, neither of these traditions fill my heart with a pattering beat. I could see the sense of closer, legally binding associations for joint investments, such as property ownership or children, but neither of those figure highly in my personal agenda at the moment. So what follows is more about partnerships and making relationships work. But simply put, my partner knows how lucky he is to have me. And I know how lucky I am to have him, and I don't really give a shit what the rest of the world thinks.  

This piece had two parents. One being a list of the top 10 reasons why marriages fail and the other being a top 10 list of ways in which to make your wedding consistent with your political views on gender equality. So, here's my list of 10 ways to survive a partnership, as a Feminist.

1. Make sure that your intended partner is interesting to you. And that you can continue to be interesting to them. That doesn't mean that you have to be from the same class, ethnicity, culture, gender persuasion, political alignment, religion. It just means that you both have something to say and the desire to listen to what the other is saying most of the time.

2. Marriage and long term partnership's tradition was founded on the necessity of ensuring that the child that sprouts from the union was indeed a product of the union. It dates from a period before DNA testing. Yet the third, most common reason why marriages fail is sexual infidelity and sexual boredom. Most people would agree that sex, like any other physical activity is something that can be developed in different, contextual circumstances. And it is probably not a realistic expectation, given the high incidents of infidelity that monogamous partnerships are necessarily going to sustain the individual for periods of 30 to 40 years. Perhaps a greater emphasis on communication, honesty and openness would allow couples to deal with the necessity of infidelity, maybe even welcoming it as a structure opportunity to renew their commitments. Or adding new elements to their repertoire to stave off boredom and ennui.  

3. It's not a realistic expectation to expect the family of one side of the partnership to pay for the celebration. Wouldn't it be better for the bride and groom to pay for the celebration and then accept gifts from the guests, who wish to celebrate their union?

4. With regard to financial management, I would recommend the following:
   - a joint account to share costs, contributions deposited from a proportional share of individual income.
  - when the total bill cost is calculated, prior to setting up the standing orders I recommend that both partners increase their proportional contributions by 10%, so the account is always in surplus.
  - both partners retain private accounts, which is theirs to dispose of.
  - if finances are healthy, a similar approach to a saving account would also be recommended. This system assumes both partners work.

5. Changing names is a personal choice. I wouldn't mind adding a partner's name to my own, but I wouldn't want to give up my own. However, the adoption of new marital names, for both partners could be considered advantageous in the event of one or both partners owing considerable amounts of money, prior to their marriage. A name change and exercising google's right to be forgotten offers the opportunity of a fresh start.

6. It is not essential, if care is taken to even have a long term partnership. It is possible to have a satisfying existence, as a single person, possibly even going to the extent of formally marrying yourself and having a ceremony of celebrating the fact that you're never going to be married. Though, in these circumstances is probably an option, only recommended for people with over 2000 friends on their Facebook list, of whom 1800 are known as friends.

7. One of the great reasons for having long term partnerships is the ability to share costs for the expensive items of life like cars, houses, and promiscuous foreign travel. However, the exorbitant cost of property at the moment, particularly in the UK is difficult, even with a wealthy partner. Given that financial insecurity is one of the major reasons for marriages failing, it is not recommended a sufficient reason to form partnership. Foreign travel or purchasing transport does seem like a good reason. However, if this is the reason for the association, why restrict yourself to one partner?

8. Having children is a good reason to form stable committed partnerships, in that children respond better and develop faster with participative, nurturing parenting. However, recent studies would suggest that genetic variance makes a positive contribution to humanity's bio-diversity. So possibly, we should consider one child per partner. A model which does appear to be the norm in the UK. Nobody plans to have multiple partnerships with children, but providing both parents remain active as parents, this need not be problematic. Thousands of people form effective family units with multiple partners, step partners, children and step children. And whilst this makes the genealogists' job a little bit harder, these partnerships can work.

9. It's easy to snipe and be critical and it's harder to be generous and supportive. A good step towards the harder path is learning to listen and realising when somebody wants to tell you their shit that that's the most important thing on their mind at that moment. And being there for them whilst they spill is the important thing. Good communication is about openness, honesty and being able to listen effectively.

10. The only final advice I could offer to successful partnerships is to recognise when your expectations are realistic. In my native country unrealistic expectations are the glue that bonds ill-suited partners together, in relationships of frightening misery. When your partner suggests enthusiastically he wants to blow this year's holiday budget to go and watch Formula 1 at Silverstone and there isn't enough in the kitty to pay for a ticket for you as well, it's unlikely that next year he would be happy for you to fly to Rio for the carnival. It's important to look into the eyes of your partner and to have realistic expectations of what is possible. When you first meet an individual the gulf between the expectations and the reality that you encounter can be great. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Because you don't really know that person. If however, you've shared a room and a bank account with someone for 7 years their ability to surprise you for better or worse should be fairly minimal, if you've been listening to them. And if you've been with someone for 7 years the correct thing to do is not to nag them that they are not a youthful, muscular, romantic prince or a princess with an ideal shape and qualities, but rather to encourage them to go for that promotion at work or help them plan a response to their bullying supervisor or go to dry the pots when they are washing up, rather than watching your favourite tv show. Often, it's about making the other person feel that, as well being a wonderful individual in themselves that being with you adds value to both your lives. And that's it. That's all it is. And who pays for the flowers or the cake is irrelevant, when you're both capable of growing or baking your own.

You'll notice, that in my description of my feminist wedding I haven't talked about anything that has to do with ceremonials. All I would say to you is ask your partner what they want. That's your starting point and that's the only rule that matters.